My Query Letters to Literary Agents

Dear So and So,

It was recommended that I personalize my query letter; that I investigate whom I am propositioning and include specifics to prove we'd make a fantastic match. Rather, I'm betting that you, being the kind of agent who would like me, would see right through that brand of shameless pandering and manipulation, and I refuse to insult your intelligence by flattering you with such a vapid and transparent attempt. However, if you have a voracious appetite for such stroking, feel free to read no further and put this manuscript in the trash. Whoa, whoa–hold on there!

Dear So and So

Did I write the great American novel? Unlikely. Could you help me make this story better? Probably. Am I going to continue writing rhetorical questions? Just a little bit longer. Is that funny or annoying? Hopefully, the former. Would reading some of my reviews be the best way to get you interested? I have no idea. Is that what I'm going to try? Yes. When? Right now.

Dear So and So

This is a story about a writer who plots with the one agent who believed in him, to exact revenge on all those who didn't. Sorry–that's my follow-up novel. This one is called RIFT and it's about a dysfunctional couple on the brink of divorce when a rift in space-time puts them face-to-face with themselves as a couple just starting-out.

Dear So and So,

Upon further consideration, I regret to inform you that, at this time, I will be withdrawing this query letter and offering for representation. While I am sure your credentials and experience would make my novel an instant best-seller with lucrative movie options soon to follow, I am currently otherwise occupied with housework and an automobile in need of constant repair. Please do not take this as any reflection on the quality of your agency, or any indication that you should pursue some other endeavor. I hope you will continue to follow your dream to make writers' dreams come true and never forget how special you are.

In case you want to know what you are missing, I've attached a synopsis and sample of my manuscript.